THE WIT OF GRETA GARBO

I have to admit I am a classic movie fan, but I have never seen a Garbo movie all the way through. I admit Greta Garbo (1905-1990) was one of the most beautiful women to ever have her face captured on film. However, the dry and sophisticated dramas she made during her time in Hollywood never appealed to me much. She was beautiful, eccentric, and witty as these quotes will show...

I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be left alone.' There is all the difference.

Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.

Life would be so wonderful if we only knew what to do with it.

There are some who want to get married and others who don't. I have never had an impulse to go to the altar. I am a difficult person to lead.

I'm tired and nervous and I'm in America. Here you don't know that you live.

I smoke all the time, one after the other.

It is bitter to think of one's best years disappearing in this unpolished country.

Your joys and sorrows. You can never tell them. You cheapen the inside of yourself if you do tell them.

There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them.

There is no one who would have me - I can't cook.

I don't want to be a silly temptress. I cannot see any sense in getting dressed up and doing nothing but tempting men in pictures.

There are some who want to get married and others who don't. I have never had an impulse to go to the altar. I am a difficult person to lead.

Being a movie star, and this applies to all of them, means being looked at from every possible direction. You are never left at peace, you're just fair game.

The story of my life is about back entrances, side doors, secret elevators and other ways of getting in and out of places so that people won't bother me....

THE WIT OF STAN LAUREL

Stan Laurel (1890-1965) not only was a part of one of the funniest comedy teams of all-time, but his quiet wit was brilliant. Here are some of his timeless quotes through the years...

Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again!

A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.

What business do we have telling people who to vote for? They probably know more about it than we do.

Just before he died, Laurel told his nurse he would like to go skiing. The nurse said "Are you a skier, Mr Laurel?". He replied, "I'm not, but I'd rather be doing that than having these needles stuck in me". A few minutes later he died.

THE WIT OF CHARLIE CHAPLIN

One of my all-time favorite classic Hollywood stars was and is Charlie Chaplin. Even though he is a comedian, his movies have brought me to laughter, shed massive tears, and look at the world in a different way. Here are some of my favorite quotes from this artistic genius...

"We think too much and feel too little."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles."

"I love to walk in the rain so no one can see my tears"

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."

"A man's true character comes out when he's drunk."

"A tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure."

"What do you want a meaning for? Life is a desire, not a meaning."

“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!”

"Words are cheap. The biggest thing you can say is 'elephant'."

"I do not have much patience with a thing of beauty that must be explained to be understood. If it does need additional interpretation by someone other than the creator, then I question whether it has fulfilled its purpose."

“Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.”

“We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity; more than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.”

"As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”."

"Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded."

"I am at peace with God. My conflict is with Man."...

THE WIT OF DEAN MARTIN

Dean Martin was the Buddha of cool. Maybe Frank Sinatra used his voice more as an instrument, and maybe Bing Crosby was the more prolific of a singer, but Dean Martin was the coolest crooner out there. Through his career Dino said some funny quotesand even insightful at times. Here's a few of them...

"If people want to think I get drunk and stay out all night, let 'em. That's how I got here, you know."

"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant."

To those who felt he joked his way through songs during concert and nightclub appearences: "You wanna hear it straight, buy the album."

Upon filing for divorce from his second wife: "I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman."

On Joey Bishop: "Most people think of Joey Bishop as just a replacement for Johnny Carson. That's NOT true. We in show business know better: we don't think of him at ALL."

On Phyllis Diller: Phyllis is the women of about whom Picasso once said, "Somebody throw a drop cloth over that."

On Frank Sinatra: "In high school, Frank never participated in extra-curricular activities, like nature study, paintings or ceramics. Frank's hobby was a most interesting one: he was an amateur gynecologist."

On James Stewart: "There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does."

On Bob Hope: "As a young boy, Bob didn't have much to say. He couldn't afford writers then."

On Johnny Carson: "Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen every night in millions of bedrooms all over America...and that's why his last wife left him."

"I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day."

"I can't stand an actor or actress who tells me acting is hard work. It's easy work. Anyone who says it isn't never had to stand on his feet all day dealing blackjack."

On Shirley MacLaine: "Shirley, I love her, but her oars aren't touching the water these days."

[in 1964, upon introducing The Rolling Stones on ABC TVs' "Hollywood Palace"] "I've been rolled when I was stoned."

On Jerry Lewis: "At some point, he said to himself, "I'm extraordinary, like Charles Chaplin". From then on, nobody could tell him anything. He knew it all."

THE WIT OF W.C. FIELDS

THE WISDOM OF W.C. FIELDS
by Bob Colonna

Ran across this in an old collection of American humor. Never heard it before:

W.C. Fields was riding in the back seat as his agent Billy Grady (who told this story) was driving through the South one night. The comedian was drinking "martinis" -- a bottle of gin in one hand and a bottle of vermouth in the other. At an intersection in a country town they saw a man hitchhiking, and Fields said, "Pick him up; where's your sense of charity?"

The man got in the back with Fields, who extended the bottle, but the man refused, with a look of piety. About five miles along the man said, "Brothers, I'm a minister of the gospel."

Fields blew a mouthful of gin onto the floor, and the man continued. "You're sinning in this automobile, and although I don't ordinarily do no free preaching, I'm going to preach a free sermon right here. To tell you the truth, I'm going to give you Number Four."

"What's Number Four?" said Fields.

"Called 'The Evils of Alcohol.'"

Fields leaned forward and said to Grady, "Pull up beside the first ditch you see."

The minister's narrative had reached a point where a roustabout had pawned his small daughter's shoes to raise money for a drink when Grady slammed on the brakes and Fields kicked the minister out of the door and into the ditch. Then he threw him an unopened bottle of gin and said, "That's my Number Three. Called 'How To Keep Warm In A Ditch.'" And they drove away...